My friend was upset I hired a stripper who had a math degree for his bachelor party

I told him it's the thot that counts

Read More

Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery..

Me why?

Read More

I dumped a girl right after she took me to her home and showed me all her Nazi pride memorabilia

There were a lot of red flags

Read More

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

Read More

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Read More

Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

Read More

Guy used protection yet his girl got pregnant.

The guy asked the doctor," I used protection and the rubber never broke, then how did she get pregnant?"

The doctor told him, "There was once a hunter who went to kill lions. He one day accidentally bought his umbrella instead of his gun but didn't notice until a lion came in front of him. In order to scare away the lion, he used the umbrella as a gun. The lion surprisedly died."

"Nonsense someone else would have shot it." said the guy

Then the doctor replied,"You got it. Next patient pls."

Read More