The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 10.
Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 5, 2021
A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It is so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I will not put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. ‟Stone me!” exclaims her hubby. ‟It wasn't that creased in the shop!” His funeral is on Thursday.
A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.
The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.
So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to Mrs. Jones. She pokes her husband, and he wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!".
The priest, pretending to be impressed, says, "Very good!".
A full three minutes later, Mr. Jones is asleep again. The priest again notices, and asks, "What is the name of Jesus' father?" before nodding at Mrs. Jones again. She pokes her husband, who screams, "GOD!" at the top of his lungs.
The priest again congratulates Mr. Jones on his alertness and continues with the sermon. However, during the sermon, he begins nodding enthusiastically, which Mrs. Jones mistakes for a poking signal.
The priest then says, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave him his 99th child?" the priest nods. The mistaken Mrs. Jones pokes her husband, and he shouts, "If you poke that fucking thing into me one more time, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!".
Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 5, 2021
Once a man was lying on the beach wearing nothing but a hat on his crotch.
Then a lady came by her and said, "If you were a gentleman you would have lifted your hat to a lady."
Then he replies “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”
A guy asks a girl to the school dance
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans
and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."
The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go eat the human the first time?"
Dad replies "Well, you can but why would you want to eat him when he's still full of shit?"
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again, he thanked her.
He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
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