Patient: What is the bad news?
Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What can possibly be worse news than that?
Doctor: I should have told you this yesterday...
Thứ Sáu, 4 tháng 6, 2021
A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.
He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.
He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."
The pastor replies, "That's nice to hear. What sin were you about to commit?"
The man replies, "I came here to steal a hat, but your sermon made me change my mind."
The priest says, "May I know what part of my sermon made you see the error of your ways?"
The man replies, "When you reached the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...
One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'
2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh*le bleached'
1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'
3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”
Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”
Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
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