"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"
"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."
Thứ Tư, 9 tháng 6, 2021
Thứ Ba, 8 tháng 6, 2021
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.
As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.
The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.
As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.
Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on...
"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home."
The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.
After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.
"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?"
"Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
Jimmy is in the school yard...
and goes over to his friend Billy and notices he has a brand new smart watch.
Jimmy: How did you get that?
Billy: well last night I walked into my parents room and caught them wrestling and my dad told me if I left and forgot what I saw he’d get me a watch.
Jimmy: Oh wow I’ve heard my parents wrestling before maybe I can get a watch too
So that night Jimmy heard noises coming from his parents room and he busts through the door to see his parents “wrestling”
Jimmy’s Dad: What the hell are you doing?
Jimmy: I want a watch!
Jimmy’s Dad: Fine, just stand there in the corner and be quiet.
A duck walks into a pub...
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again “with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What on earth would they want with a plasterer??!"
Marital Argument
A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."
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