Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.

When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won't get better!

"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"

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How do you milk sheep?

Release new iPhone with less accessories

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What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

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Ah yes, I forgot it!

Sometimes I experience both amnesia and dejà vu at the same time, and I'm like:"Yep, I've forgotten this before ".

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In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy about it? As a punishment, keep him in chains, and every day make him fight armed opponents, using only the minimum of weapons! Report back to me in a week, we'll see if he's still smiling."

The guards dragged the man off. He was still smiling. As they were commanded, each day they made the prisoner fight. On the first day, armed with only a net and stick, he fought an opponent with a spear. On the next day, with only a small rope, he fought two swordsmen. And so on, he was forced to fight every day.

At the end of the week, the prisoner was in a real sorry state. He could barely blink, let alone smile. 

The head guard came to Caesar. "Oh Caeser, I  have come to report on the prisoner. We made him fight each day, using the most basic weapons, like a, er, you know, whaddaya call it?"

"Gladiator?" said Caeser.

The guard snickered. "No, he actually quite regrets it."

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An overweight man decided to lose some weight…

He sees an ad for a weight loss centre that says "5kg weight loss in a day, or your money back!". He decided he's got nothing to lose. He goes down to the weight loss centre and says he wants the 5kg weight loss package. The receptionist says “we also have the 10kg weight loss program and the 20kg weight loss program”. The man says he’ll just try the 5kg weight loss program. The receptionist takes his money and leads him to a wooden door. He goes in and he sees a incredibly pretty woman in a big room, with nothing on but a sign that says “if you catch me, you can fuck me!”. With that, he ran after her and after a few hours of running, finally catches up to her and he had his way. When he reaches home he weighed himself, and sure enough, he has lost 5kg! A few weeks later, he realised he has put on the weight he has lost. This time, he decided to try the 10kg weight loss program. He goes back to the weight loss centre, and asks for the 10kg weight loss program, and paid for it.

The receptionist leads him to another wooden door, even bigger than the first, and he goes in excitedly. The room was even bigger than before, and an incredibly gorgeous woman was in the room, with nothing on but a sign that says “If you catch me, you can fuck me!!”. With that, he ran after her and after a day of running, finally catches up to her and he had his way. When he reaches home he weighed himself, and sure enough, he has lost 10kg! A few weeks later, he realised he has once again regained the weight he has lost. This time, he decided to try the ultimate 20kg weight loss program. He goes back to the weight loss centre, and asks for the 20kg weight loss program. The receptionist asks, “are you sure?” the man insists on it and paid for it.

The receptionist brings him to big metal door. The man excitedly opens the door and finds himself in a huge room. He saw a big gorilla with a huge dick, with nothing on but a sign that says “If I catch you, I’m gonna fuck you!!”.

(A joke I was told a few years back, dunno if it’s been posted before!)

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This hit deeper than the dildo

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

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