OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.
Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 6, 2021
“Cop on horse says to little girl on bike…
‘Did Santa get you that?’
‘Yes,’ replies the little girl.
‘Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!’ and fines her $5.00.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says,
‘Nice horse you've got there — did Santa bring you that?’
The cop chuckles and replies, ‘He sure did!’
‘Well,’ says the little girl, ‘Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!’”
Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 6, 2021
An admiral is touring a submarine
The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”
“Oh, that’s the tally box. Sometimes when we have nothing going on, I’ll gather the crew and ask them if they’d like to go up to the surface or down to the depths to explore.”
The admiral is amused and says “I bet they often ask to go the surface.”
The Captain nods and replies “I’ll get a few down votes, but often I’ll get lots of up votes on this sub.”
NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.
So I did what any husband would do.
Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"
I went on a date with a blond women last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"
“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”
“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.” “Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.” “But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.” “Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-” “But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”
The priest falls silent.
“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”
The priest still did not answer. “And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…”
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry. “Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”
“Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church’s fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore!”
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