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Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 6, 2021

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k. First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide. Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet. Then came the Marine General. "I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls." The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure. "I am being serious. Now start measuring." The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm. "Sir! Where are your balls?!?" "IN VIETNAM!"

Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.

‘I’m sure they’re bear tracks!’, said the first blonde. ‘No, they’re deer tracks’, said the second blonde, confidently.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.