She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."
"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."
"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."
Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 6, 2021
Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 6, 2021
Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.
His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.
On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leaned in to Pierre whispering "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre dipped his fingers in the Cabernet Franc they had been enjoying and lightly painted her lips with it.
"Pierre, what are you doing?" She asked.
"I am Pierre the French Fighter Pilot." He replied. "When I have red meat I like to have it with red wine."
She giggled and they kissed.
Her passions grew and she moaned out "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre undid her blouse and deftly splashed the remains of a bottle of chardonnay across her pale, exposed breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?" She mused.
"I am Pierre the French Fighter Pilot," he replied " When I have white meat I like to have it with white wine!"
She cooed as he licked the wine from her nipples.
She was flush now and breathing heavily and could barely gasp out "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
At this Pierre realed back and splattered his hip flask of cognac into her lap. With lightning speed he lit a match and dropped it, setting her lap ablaze.
The young lady ran screaming into the lake. As she stood there, smoke rising from her waist, she snarled.
"Pierre! What the fuck are you doing?!"
Pierre stood, indignant.
"I am Pierre the French Fighter Pilot! If I go down, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan
the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.
Jack, a renowned atheist, dies...
... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.
Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"
Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"
He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live.
As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.
Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.
At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.
As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?"
Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind"
Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.
That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.
After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.
Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.
Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.
On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.
Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.
The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.
Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!"
Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday"
Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!"
Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian hell"
Jack: "The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?"
Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way"
For cookery class, our homework was to bake something.
I said I'd bake dog biscuits.
No idea how to, but i have a great excuse when i don't hand in my homework.
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.
(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)
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