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Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 6, 2021

A rabbit walks in to a cake shop.

He walks up to the counter and asks " Do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "No I'm sorry we don't" says the store clerk. "Ok" says the rabbit and promptly bounces out of the store.

The rabbit comes back a couple of times and asks the same question and gets the same answer so the store owner decides to make a spinach cake for the rabbit assuming his birthday is around the corner.

The next day the rabbit comes in and asks: "do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "Yes we do" replies the store owner. "That must be a really disgusting birthday cake" says the rabbit and leaves the store.

do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."

"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."

The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.

"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"

"Well, he's a handsome man and a wonderful lover, for one. He's a really nice guy, of course. And to top it off," he says, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a 10-inch cock!"

She giggles, blushing. "Sounds like a catch! Where can I find him?"

"He's just a block over. But fair warning...he's also a little...kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. So if I ever meet a woman with a flowery name, I send her his way."

He points at the rose. "Then, he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose. A week ago, I recommended Violet to him," he says, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.

The woman thanks him and leaves, bitterly cursing her own name. Nevertheless, she visits the well-endowed florist's shop. Stepping up to the counter, she pointedly says, "I heard you are particularly...skilled... in certain areas?"

He smirks. "So I have been told. And who might you be?"

She grins. "I was referred by your friend down the street. Perhaps you can...assist me?"

"Perhaps," he says, "but tell me...what is your name?"

She hesitates. Then, pouting slightly, she replies "Kristen, but everyone calls me Kris."

His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops, knowing she's blown her chance.

"Well then...if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother."

"Of course, what kind of...." Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he locks the shop door, swoops upon her, and takes her into his arms.

Three hours of mind-altering orgasms later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss as he presents a complimentary bouquet for her mother.

"And please," he says, "tell your sweet mama she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like."

Flustered with ecstasy, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything.

The next day, Kris feels incredible, and stops by the original florist's shop.

"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that dashing gentleman! He was AMAZING!"

He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him."

"Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?"

The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."

A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.

"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant traveling..."

"The animals are trained," says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55-foot motorhome equipped with a large nursery."

"How will you educate your child?"

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to teach us all the regular subjects, as well as Mandarin and computer programming," explains the husband.

"And the nanny is certified in pediatric care, child welfare, and nutrition," the wife adds.

The social worker is impressed. "Well, you do seem perfect. What age were you looking to adopt?"

The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as they can fit in the cannon."

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "We are so thankful; the doctor said he will have perfect vision."

"That’s great", said Little Johnny, "Coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses."