Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money and spent it all on presents for him to show her love for him. She got him clothes and golf clubs and all the shit he liked.

The third took the money and invested it in wall street and tripled it. She gave him back 5 grand, made herself sexy and got him a bunch of gifts.

So the man had to think. As we do as men. We think a lot about things. And eventually he made up his mind. And did what any logical man would do.

He married the one with the fattest ass.

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An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently

The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:

- Guess I'm swimming then...

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Why don't you ever see elephants hiding behind trees?

Because they're good at it

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An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't Found Jesus.'

By this time the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up.

The Preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus..!!?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, 'now tell me this, are you sure this is where he fell in' ?

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I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly…

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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Johnny caught his dad masturbating

“What are you doing Dad?” - asked Johnny

His Dad smiled: “Don’t worry son, you’ll do the same thing soon!”

“But why?” - asked Johnny

“Because my hands are getting tired.” - said Dad

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Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

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