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Thứ Bảy, 3 tháng 7, 2021

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.

“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”

“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”

The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.

The night after, the wife was downcast.

“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”

The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.

The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend.

“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”

The next time your wife gets angry...

Drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and say, "now you're SUPER ANGRY! "

Maybe she'll laugh.

Maybe you'll die.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”

The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt

is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I forgive freely, and I pray continually However, I know I am a sinner at heart, and I deserve to burn in hell like the rest of us."

The atheist replies, "Don't worry, that's probably bullshit. There is nothing waiting for us after death, only the void and nothingness. That's why I try to live my life to the fullest."

The two of them ask the monk, who had been silent up to that point, what he believed. The monk started, "Well, I certainly won't be seeing the afterlife anytime soon. I have lived a bad life, however, I am trying to earn enough good karma to reincarnate into a better life. If I earn enough good karma, then maybe I can eventually go to the afterlife." "Well how are you supposed to do that?" asked the atheist.

Just then, the group is interrupted by the waitress with their meals. For the priest, there is a meal of bread and wine. For the atheist, a hearty plate of ribs sits in front of him. For the monk, there is nothing but a slice of cake on his plate.

In response to two puzzled looks, the monk quickly says, "There's no easier way to earn karma than to have a cake day."

P.S - got a bit late with this one. My Cake Day already ended in a few timezones.

Cute little blonde girl, five years old goes into the pet shop. “I want a bunny wabbit”, she says in her enchanting little voice.

“I have a lot”, says the shop keeper. “Do you want a little bunny rabbit or a bigger bunny rabbit?”

“I want a bigger bunny wabbit”, she says with a sweet smile.

“Okay, do you want it white, brown or black and white?”

Little girl shakes her head and says, “I don’t fink my python gives a fuck.”

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.