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Chủ Nhật, 4 tháng 7, 2021

[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”.

”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.

Everything's alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

Did you hear about the house the lesbians built?

Not a stud in the place, it's all tongue 'n' groove

Woman goes to see a doctor about her bed wetting problem

Doctors listens to her, nods sagely where appropriate and then tells her to strip. Woman is a bit confused but does as instructed. While she is undressing doctor places a big mirror on the floor and then tells woman to do a headstand over it. Even more confused woman does as instructed, figuring doctor must know what he is doing. As she does her thing doctor grabs her legs, pries them apart and places his chin between them. He studies the mirror for a minute and then gently releases woman's legs, helping her come down. Once she is dressed he instructs her not to drink any liquids 3 hours before going to bad. "Thank you doctor. But what was the deal with mirror and headstand? I can't see how that has anything to do with my problem or with treatment." is woman curious. "Oh, you are right, it doesn't." explains the doctor. "I just wanted to see how I would look like with a beard."

My lesbian neighbors asked what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".