A nun asks her class, “When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it's your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said "Well, I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying ‘Oh God, I'm coming.’ I gotta tell you, if dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

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My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.

(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

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I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams. "What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams. "And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."

The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams. "Oh my gosh, what the hell happened to you?!?" I gasped.

He looked down, then sighed. "Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."

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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”.

”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

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Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.

Everything's alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."

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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

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