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Thứ Tư, 7 tháng 7, 2021

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

A Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. “Did you smell that?” she asked her husband. “It smells absolutely incredible!” Being a “kind-hearted Scotsman,” he thought “what the hell…I’ll treat her!”

So, they walked past the place again!

My grandfather is addicted to viagra.

My grandmother is taking it pretty hard.

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish the time zones

  • Why? Putin asks him.

  • Ah, I can't find myself with these times:

  • I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,

  • I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,

  • I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,

  • I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.

  • Well, these are just minor awkwardness... Putin answered him.

  • JUST MINOR ISSUES?!! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!

Two men are out hunting

Two men are out hunting. One of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. A few moments later, there's a scream. The man's buddy runs up.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to said snake, kicked to death. "Call the doctors!"

The buddy picks up his phone, makes the call.

"Doctor's office, how can we help you?"

"My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"What did it look like?"

"Red with yellow stripes."

"I see. You have to suck out the poison, understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

He hangs up.

"Come on, what did they say?"

"She says you're dead, mate."