Not coming home.
Thứ Hai, 12 tháng 7, 2021
A man and his wife are having dinner when he asks her, "Darling, if I died tomorrow, would you remarry?"
"I don't like to think about such things" she replies
"No, go on. Just hypothetically, say the worst happened, would you pine for me as a lonely spinster for the rest of your life, or would you get past it and shack up with a new guy?" Hs presses
She thinks for a moment and says "well, if you really want an honest answer, then...yes, I probably would remarry"
He takes this in and then asks "and would you let him live in the house?"
"Well, yes of course I would." She replies
"I see. And would you let him sleep in our bed?"
"I would, yes" she continues, more confidently.
He thinks about this for a moment, mulling on it before asking "and how about my golf clubs, would you let him have a go on those as well?"
"No." She replies quickly. "No, I absolutely wouldn't let him use your clubs"
"Oh? And whys that?" The husband asks, relieved
"He's left handed"
My wife and I wanted the sex of our baby to be a secret. She and I were sure the baby would be a girl, with four names, and we picked Alyssa Cassidy Shea Smith to be her name.. but there was always that doubt in the back of our minds.
The delivery day came at last. My wife was going into labor, and cried out a final reminder: "Don't forget, her name is Alyssa Cassidy Shea Smith!"
"I know honey! Just be strong, you got this!"
"Oh! I almost forgot," she said, just before the epidural took over. "We need a boy name, just in case he's a boy."
18 hours later, a boy was born. I'm nothing if not a good listener.
Our bouncing 8 pound, 6 oz child was named according to mom's wishes.
Justin Casey Zaboi Smith
Idk why she's so mad.
Chủ Nhật, 11 tháng 7, 2021
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch
Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."
Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish."
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan."
Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genie
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