A reporter went to a small village...

And asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a story about your village?" The villager says "well one time a neighbors goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and then we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".

The reporter looks astonished and says "My friend I can't make a report on a story like that, why don't you tell me a happy story"

The villager says "Oh ok, well one time the wife of a neighbor got lost, we all got together to look for her and we found her. Then we all celebrated and drank and then everyone had sex with her.

The reporter then says "My god, well then tell me a sad story!"

The villager, saddened, looks to the ground and replies, "Well one time I got lost."

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A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."

"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

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On the sixth day

*ON THE SIXTH DAY... *

God Creating Spiders

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

God Creating Kittens

God: make them fluffy & adorable like little furry hugs

Angel: that’s so swee….

God: And put razor blades on their feet

God Creating Mosquitos

God: I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces…

God Creating Bees

God: Put a needle on it’s bum

Angel: Come on God, what –

God: Make it’s puke delicious

Angel: What the hell!!!

God Creating Praying Mantis

God: Make an insect that does karate

Angel: Okay…

God: Now make it bite her husband’s head off

Angel: Dude, we need to talk

God Creating Dogs

God: Oh these turned out great. I’m going to want all of these back at some point

God Creating Pandas

God: Cow bears

Angel: What?

God: Did I stutter?

Angel: ??

God: Take a cow and make it a bear

God Creating Snakes

God: How about a sock that’s angry all the time

God Creating Alligators

God: See that log?

Angel: Yeah?

God: Fill it with teeth

Angel: Say again?

God: FILL IT!

God Creating Jellyfish

God: How about an evil bag?

God Creating Parrots

God: How about like a tie Dye Chicken who screams actual words at you?

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.

“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.

“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.

“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.

“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.

“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.

“So what should I do father?” the man asked.

“Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.

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Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

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A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check on his testicles. She spent a full minute examining his testicles and told the man

" Sir your testicles are not black and are perfectly fine".

The patient takes of his mask, smiles and replies

"Thats all well and good, but are my test results back? ".

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