A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief. Suddenly he heard a gasp. The girl was standing at the doorway. Wide eyed she exclaims- “So, thats how you guys fill up”....

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A lady goes to the doctor and

complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m...

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful. No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect. Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you. I didn't even type that. This fucking thing can do that but I can't correct teh when I mispell it. ... Wait a minute. I got it. Autocorrect can suqmabalz. Hah, gottem....

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When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon...

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," the President of France replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" The President paused....

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Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and...

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.See this card? I will go wherever I wish.' So the old farmer went about his chores.It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and...

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