A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

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When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

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Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts.

Boss: I'll name 3 people. If you can't prove you know them & they know YOU, you're fired & I'll make sure you never work in this town again.

Dave: Boss, I know everyone. Who's first?

Boss: Tom Cruise.

Dave: Me & Tom were in acting class at Yale. We go way back.

So they drive up to Beverly Hills & knock on Tom's mansion door. Tom answers & says: Hi Dave, I've just got the NEW Mission Impossible script. Come & have a read, & tell me what you think.

(Boss is suitably impressed)

Boss: OK, well done. Next is the President, Barak Obama (this identifiesthe age of the joke)

Dave: After I left Yale, I was an undergrad at Harvard Law. I roomed with him before he met Michelle.

So they go out to Washington & start a tour of the White House. Just as they're passing the west wing, they hear a voice saying: Hi Dave, I have a security council meeting soon, but I've always got time for an old friend. They proceed to the Oval Office for coffee.

At this point, the boss is EXTREMELY impressed and says: RIGHT, I'll change the challenge. If you can prove you know the LAST person PERSONALLY, not only is your job safe, but I'll make you a partner.

Dave: Boss, I told you, I know EVERYBODY. Who is it?

Boss: His Holiness, THE POPE!

Dave: no worries, boss. Prior to Yale, I was in Seminary with him.

So they board the corporate jet & fly to Rome. They enter the Vatican, where they gather in St Peter's Square, surrounded by the 10,000s of the faithful.

Dave: boss, he won't spot me among all these people. Give me 1/2 an hour. I know all of the Swiss Guard. I'll come out on the balcony with him.

30 minutes later, the doors open on the balcony, & the Pope emerges to perform his benediction. Q RqR Next to him is Dave.

30 minutes after, & he returns, to find his boss prone on the floor & being administered by paramedics. ¹ Dave: Boss, boss, what happened?

Boss: I....had a.....heart att....ack.

Dave: But boss, I told you I knew him.

Boss: It wasn't that.....

Dave: well what was it then?

Boss: You came out onto the balcony, with His Holiness, & the guy next to me, gave me a nudge & asked........

WHO'S THAT ON THE BALCONY WITH DAVE???

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

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My friend just told me to die in a deep, dark hole filled with water.

I know he means well

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Jill decides to take her husband Jack to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Jack! How ya doin'?"

Jill is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says Jack. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Jack if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

Jill is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Jack, and says "Hi Jack ! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Jill, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Jack follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Jack".

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A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades, you shouldn't joke like that here. Every room is bugged, you know..."

"Nonsense! Who would listen to us?" "Well, let me show you"

The man walks up to a socket and says into it: "Comrade major, can I have a cup of tea please?"

Sure enough, the staff member soon enters with a cup of tea.

"See, told you."

The three men are pale and quiet for the entire night, so the tired man finally gets some good sleep.

He wakes up the next morning alone. He walks downstairs and asks the receptionist about the fate of the three men.

"At 3 in the morning the KGB came and arrested them. Comrade major also said that he liked your little trick, but warned you to be careful next time."

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