A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

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I once made love to a woman with twelve breasts...

Sounds nice, doesn't it?

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My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them!

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

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When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

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Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts.

Boss: I'll name 3 people. If you can't prove you know them & they know YOU, you're fired & I'll make sure you never work in this town again.

Dave: Boss, I know everyone. Who's first?

Boss: Tom Cruise.

Dave: Me & Tom were in acting class at Yale. We go way back.

So they drive up to Beverly Hills & knock on Tom's mansion door. Tom answers & says: Hi Dave, I've just got the NEW Mission Impossible script. Come & have a read, & tell me what you think.

(Boss is suitably impressed)

Boss: OK, well done. Next is the President, Barak Obama (this identifiesthe age of the joke)

Dave: After I left Yale, I was an undergrad at Harvard Law. I roomed with him before he met Michelle.

So they go out to Washington & start a tour of the White House. Just as they're passing the west wing, they hear a voice saying: Hi Dave, I have a security council meeting soon, but I've always got time for an old friend. They proceed to the Oval Office for coffee.

At this point, the boss is EXTREMELY impressed and says: RIGHT, I'll change the challenge. If you can prove you know the LAST person PERSONALLY, not only is your job safe, but I'll make you a partner.

Dave: Boss, I told you, I know EVERYBODY. Who is it?

Boss: His Holiness, THE POPE!

Dave: no worries, boss. Prior to Yale, I was in Seminary with him.

So they board the corporate jet & fly to Rome. They enter the Vatican, where they gather in St Peter's Square, surrounded by the 10,000s of the faithful.

Dave: boss, he won't spot me among all these people. Give me 1/2 an hour. I know all of the Swiss Guard. I'll come out on the balcony with him.

30 minutes later, the doors open on the balcony, & the Pope emerges to perform his benediction. Q RqR Next to him is Dave.

30 minutes after, & he returns, to find his boss prone on the floor & being administered by paramedics. ¹ Dave: Boss, boss, what happened?

Boss: I....had a.....heart att....ack.

Dave: But boss, I told you I knew him.

Boss: It wasn't that.....

Dave: well what was it then?

Boss: You came out onto the balcony, with His Holiness, & the guy next to me, gave me a nudge & asked........

WHO'S THAT ON THE BALCONY WITH DAVE???

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

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