An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 and tells them "I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn't listen and I shot him."

Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife. The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it's a rather strange story so he drives to the house. When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.

He asks "Officers, why haven't you gone inside and arrested the woman?"

They reply "Sir we can't go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet."

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You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

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Do mods exist in this sub?

No joke here, literally just asking, this sub it a hot repost shithole.

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To the guy who stole my antidepressants...

I hope you are happy now

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his feet, he leans against the wall and spreads his arms. The nuns mistake him for a Jesus statue and take a second to admire how "lifelike" it is. One of them turns to the other with a glint of mischief in her eye and says: "I always wanted to do this" and she gives a little tug at the mans penis. Startled, the man drops one of the soaps, "Ooooh! it's a soap dispenser!" the nuns exclaim and of course the other one wants one as well and gives him another tug. He drops the other soap hoping they will go away. "Well we should also get one for Sister Augustine" they say to each other and tug, and tug, tug, tug tug ~ "Ooh shampoo!"

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt something was wrong and asked the woman whether he could take a cup of it for inspection. The woman agreed, and she was let through again.

The guard took the sample and put it through a thorough X-ray scan, hoping to find any grains that didn’t belong, but to no avail. As the woman passed the border daily, the guard was left in frustration, pondering every possible reason why anyone would bring sand across the border.

In the following weeks, the guard occasionally took a cup of the sand for inspection. After months without results, he delivered a sample to the national secret service and tasked a team of experienced chemical analysts to investigate it extensively. A week later and the only conclusion was that it was normal sand from a nearby beach.

One day, he gathered the courage to ask the woman, “It’s my last day at the job, and I will retire with over thirty years of experience as a border guard. Now, you’ve been crossing the border every day for six months, and I’m utterly stumped – why did you always bring two heavy bags of sand across?”

The woman replied, “I was smuggling bikes.”

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Three Chinese Men

Three men in China were buried under a landslide while they were in the car, and they somehow still have cell signal.

The first man made a call to the police and said “I’m a good citizen and husband, please save us!”

The police told him they’ll come in 24 hours.

The second man made a call to the People’s Liberation Army and said “comrade, I served the country as you do. Please get me out of here!”

The soldier told him they’ll come in 12 hours.

The third man made a call to someone and whispered something which the other two can’t hear.

Within an hour, the three men were dug out and rescued.

A group of police officers then walked up to the three men: “okay, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?”

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