Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...

and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.

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Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'.

Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.

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How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. I am screwed, lightbulb is screwed, the whole fucking world is screwed

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An atheist goes to heaven

Baffled and full of questions he is being shown around by God.

"Why am I here? I am an atheist."

"That does not matter, all good people end up here."

As they pass by a gay couple kissing the atheist wonders

"Isn't that a sin?"

"That does not matter, all good people end up here."

They come by a Buddhist Monk, silently meditating.

"Wait, so you even take in people who believe in other religions?

"That does not matter, all good people end up here."

Surprised, but intrigued the atheist looks around - when one last question comes to his mind

"But where are all the Christians?"

"In hell"

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A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."

The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"

God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."

The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"

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How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

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