Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 8, 2021
We now have the technology to build a new penis.
Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says Max. "We're getting granite counter tops.”
Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 8, 2021
Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
A teacher was reminding her students of their final exam the day after and said
''I won't be accepting any bullcrap excuses for you not being here tomorrow unless nuclear war breaks out, you have a very serious personal injury or there's a death in your immediate family if your not here then you fail the whole year''
The smart ass kid Johnny at the back of the room raises his hand ''What if I come in but I'm suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? how could I do the test then?''
There were sniggers and laughs from the class until the teacher said ''well in that scenario Johnny, you'll just have to write with your other hand''
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