Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage
Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 8, 2021
Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 8, 2021
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"
"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...
Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
Person 1 says: I like Eminem
Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles. Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper. Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?
There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…
Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sure thing, Mouse!” Their usual routine before the small talk.
One Friday, Mouse hops onto his stool, sips his first beer and looks sideways down the bar. There, at the very end, is this really cute Giraffe. She sees Mouse, looks away a second, then looks back and smiles. Blink, blink. Damn, those big long eyelashes. She is adorable.
Mouse whispers, “Sam! Who’s that?” The bartender explains she just came in awhile ago all by herself. Seems lonely.
Mouse sends her a drink. Giraffe smiles again. Blink, blink.
Minutes later, Mouse shinnies down his stool and climbs up the stool next to the Giraffe. They sit there for an hour, then two, laughing and drinking, having a wonderful time.
Suddenly, Mouse and Giraffe get up and leave the bar together.
The next evening at the bar, 5:15 comes and passes. No Mouse.
Then 6:00. Then 6:30. Very unusual; Sam is concerned.
Around 7 pm, there is an odd thwack against the screen door. Then another. The door shakes and eventually opens a bit and in stumbles Mouse. He is moving slow. His ears curl down, clothes and hair are a mess.
Mouse struggles to climb to the top of the stool and when he finally gets there he sits silently, head in his hands. Sam lays a beer down and doesn’t say anything. Mouse looks like shit.
Finally, Sam can’t resist. He says “Mouse, what in the world happened to you?”
Mouse takes a big pull off his beer. Finally says, “Sam, remember that Giraffe from last night? The one I left with?”
Sam replies, “Yeah, of course, Mouse. What happened?”
Mouse rolls his eyes, pauses and says, “Oh man, Sam. Between the kissing and the fucking I must have run 400 miles last night.”
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