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Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 8, 2021
Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...
Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
Person 1 says: I like Eminem
Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles. Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper. Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?
There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…
Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sure thing, Mouse!” Their usual routine before the small talk.
One Friday, Mouse hops onto his stool, sips his first beer and looks sideways down the bar. There, at the very end, is this really cute Giraffe. She sees Mouse, looks away a second, then looks back and smiles. Blink, blink. Damn, those big long eyelashes. She is adorable.
Mouse whispers, “Sam! Who’s that?” The bartender explains she just came in awhile ago all by herself. Seems lonely.
Mouse sends her a drink. Giraffe smiles again. Blink, blink.
Minutes later, Mouse shinnies down his stool and climbs up the stool next to the Giraffe. They sit there for an hour, then two, laughing and drinking, having a wonderful time.
Suddenly, Mouse and Giraffe get up and leave the bar together.
The next evening at the bar, 5:15 comes and passes. No Mouse.
Then 6:00. Then 6:30. Very unusual; Sam is concerned.
Around 7 pm, there is an odd thwack against the screen door. Then another. The door shakes and eventually opens a bit and in stumbles Mouse. He is moving slow. His ears curl down, clothes and hair are a mess.
Mouse struggles to climb to the top of the stool and when he finally gets there he sits silently, head in his hands. Sam lays a beer down and doesn’t say anything. Mouse looks like shit.
Finally, Sam can’t resist. He says “Mouse, what in the world happened to you?”
Mouse takes a big pull off his beer. Finally says, “Sam, remember that Giraffe from last night? The one I left with?”
Sam replies, “Yeah, of course, Mouse. What happened?”
Mouse rolls his eyes, pauses and says, “Oh man, Sam. Between the kissing and the fucking I must have run 400 miles last night.”
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time, and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” said the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day,
Anal sex makes your hole weak.
Edit: added “whole” Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!
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