My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.

It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.

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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

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Having gay parents must be horrible

Either you get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask your mom'

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Whenever my wife is upset

Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..

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simulation of monkey touching button

simulation complete

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I walk into a bar

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three dollars.

Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

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I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

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