If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 8, 2021
How much do you weigh, dad?
Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on. Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses? Dad: I don't know. I can't see.
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 8, 2021
I'm fine..
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor? Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’ Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?'
A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.
"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."
His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."
"Helen," he continued, "when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn't think I could go on, but you were by my side."
His wife began to softly cry, "I know, dear."
"And now," the man went on, "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?"
His wife sobbed, "Right here by your side, dear."
"Helen," the man said, "I'm beginning to think you might be bad luck."
The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)
A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in most cases they actually increased substantially in value. Joe decides to take the dealers advice and chooses the older model bike. Just as Joe finishes signing the paperwork, the dealer warns joe that these bikes are prone to rust and in order to for the classic Harley to retain its value, Joe would have to keep his purchase out of the rain. Joe wasn't happy about this new information and explained that he had no garage at his home and the bike was going to be parked outside in the elements. The dealer then assured Joe that there was a simple solution to this problem and proceeded to hand Joe a large jar of Vasoline. The dealer then explains to Joe, that he is to cover his bike in Vasoline if he suspects rain, and this would protect Joe's investment. Joe, happy with this solution , decides to accept the Vasoline and proceeds with the purchase of the bike.
Later that evening Joe rang his new girlfriend as they had a date night organised. Joe pulled up to her house on his newly purchased vintage Harley and Joe's girlfriend was very impressed to say the least, she then proceeded to tell Joe that she had told her parents about Joe and they were keen to meet him for dinner. Joe agreed to the dinner, his girlfriend hopped on the back of the bike and they rode out to Joe's girlfiends parents house.
As the two lovebirds got off the bike and made their way toward the house, Joe's girlfriend stopped and said "there's something I need to tell you. We have a rule in our house that nobody speaks during dinner or they have to do the dishes".Joe laughed and agreed to the quirky stipulation. Upon entering the house Joe was horrorfied when he could see what looked like a years worth of dishes piled up all through the house. After exchanging awkward pleasantries with the parents, they all sat down for dinner and sure enough not a word was spoken, for fear of being lumbered with the task of washing the dishes. Halfway through dinner and still in silence Joe, being the rebellious type, plants a passionate kiss on his girlfriend. The parents don't look too thrilled but before they say anything, both look over to the pile of dishes and decide not to say anything and continue with their meals. Joe then, taking advantage of the situation, pulls out his chair, bends his girlfriend over, pulls her panties to the side and starts humping her at the table. By this stage both parents are furious, they look at each other but before any of them act they look over toward the mass of unwashed dishes and decide to ignore what is happening. Joe realizing he is in the middle of a once in a lifetime situation then pushes his girlfriend out of the way, clears a space on the table, grabs his girlfriend's mom and starts giving her the same treatment on the table much to the dismay of his girlfriend and her father. Both the girlfriend and her father are now livid at what is happening in front of them but just as they are about to give Joe his marching orders both look toward the mountain of dishes and decide against saying anything. Just as Joe is giving it to his girlfriend's mum, Joe catches a glimpse out of the window and sees rain drops. The first thing that comes to Joe's mind is his precious Harley Davidson and the potential damage the rain will do to his investment. With that in mind and in a heartbeat Joe casts his girlfriend's mother aside and grabs the Vasoline out of his pocket. Just then his girlfriend's dad jumps out of his seat and says " okay, okay, I'll do the fucken dishes".
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.” Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly for days.
I saw few psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin.
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