A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men being led into the mosque by a religious figure.

As the prayer finishes, the religious figure drops to his knees and swings his fist into the balls of each naked man, flooring them all as they cry in agony! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.

Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what was going on...

"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home."

The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.

After 6 long months of no proper bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement finally arrives.

"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?"

"Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."

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A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock.  “What’s that there for?” he asks.  Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”   “Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Donald Trump’s clock?” asks the man.   Jesus answers: “It’s in my office, I’m using it as a ceiling fan.” 

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

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My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body [puts hand on my shoulder] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: [tearing up] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: [nodding] those are Reese's Pieces.

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Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."

Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

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A married couple are having sex

A married couple are being intimate in the bedroom, when suddenly the wife groans in pain and looks up at her husband.

"Honey... take off your ring before you finger me." She says.

He gives her a confused look and replies, "That's not my ring, that's my watch."

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Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

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