A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood. After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution. Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a special spray which would coat the car in a special finish to protect it from chickens. The farmer sprayed the coating and placed the chicken on the hood. To his pleasure the chicken was unable to make a single scratch with it's beak. The sales person asked the farmer to leave a review about how he found the product. He wrote just one word: "Impeccable"

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty dollars,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’ The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend ‘I fucked your sister’.

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I hosted a terrible orgy last weekend

Nobody came

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A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

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God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the Hill....."

Adam said, "What is a Hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On

The Other side of the Hill you will find a Cave."

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you To Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do That?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into The valley, Across the river, and

Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is It Now?"

And Adam said.... "What's a Headache?!

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