A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in my life and I'm not getting any younger."

He digs through his pockets and pulls out a $5 bill.

"This is all I got." he says and tries to hand it over.

"What the hell do you take me for? $5 won't get you shit" the prostitute replies and walks off.

After a while, the wife comes back out and the couple continue down the street. As they pass an ally a woman shouts.

"You see. That's what $5 gets you!"

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The guy said to the doctor, "I may not be a smart man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." He wanted a second opinion so he visited a doctor in Georgia.

That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home and get a cherry bomb light it and put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure of the first doctor he decided that it MUST work. So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in the beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

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There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

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What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

A faux pa.

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Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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