Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Chủ Nhật, 5 tháng 9, 2021
An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus", he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me". The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out: "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says: "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Brit then calls out: "Oii whack, would you be Jesus"? Jesus smiles and says: "Yes, I am Jesus". The Brit beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Tom Collins for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle"! Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle"!!!
Jesus then goes to approach the Brit who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability"!
An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...
...are robbing the manor house.
One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.
The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks " he says!
The police are searching through the house when the Detective Inspector sees the three sacks in the corner.
" ...oo arr!? Wot we got ere then now?... "
He walks over to the first one and gives it a nudge with his boot...the Scotsman, inside, thinks quick and goes "...woof!..."
"...oo!..." the DI says, " that one be full of puppies..."
He goes up to the next one and gives it a nudge...the Welshman thinks fast and goes "...meow!..."
"...arr!...that one be full of kittens!.." says the DI.
He goes up to the last one, gives it a tap with his boot, and the Irishman goes....."...potatoes..."...
Thứ Bảy, 4 tháng 9, 2021
A man goes to an animal market
He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.
The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".
The man takes note and goes to buy a hen seller.
The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call it a pullet".
The man nods and goes to a donkey seller. Hey buys it and turns to leave but the seller calls him back.
"I forgot to tell you but we call donkeys in these parts asses. Also, this is a very lazy donkey, it likes to sometimes abruptly sit down. To get it stand up, you need to tickle under its chin".
The man understands and leaves. He is travelling on the road when the donkey suddenly sits down. He spots a woman walking across the road and calls her over.
" Excuse me ma'am, but can you take my cock and pullet, while I tickle my ass?"
I rang my brothers house....
...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.
"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?
"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."
"What about your Mum?" I said
"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.
"What are they doing?" I asked
"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.
"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked
"Looking for me" he whispered
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