EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Thứ Ba, 14 tháng 9, 2021
A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY
She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."
Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park after school today."
"No, I would think there's a good chance you'll go to the park but it might rain so it's not definitely."
Little Billy raises his hand and says, "My team are definitely going to win the game this Saturday."
"No, I know you really want your team to win the game this Saturday but wanting is not enough to make it definitely."
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Miss, is there such a thing as a lumpy fart?"
"No."
"Then I have definitely shit myself."
My translation of a foreign joke:
A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put it on the number 27!"
The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!
Excited he exits the casino and meets the Devil again. The latter is silent for a moment and then says again, "Take all your money - all that you've won - go inside and put it on 27!" - "Again?!" - "Yes! Do it!" - The man quickly yields, goes in again, puts all the money on 27 and ... wins!
Now everyone in the casino is amazed, they check the wheel, nope - no tilt or bias, seems like genuine luck, reluctantly he's given almost two hundred thousand dollars and leaves elated. Outside he meets the Devil again who again tells him to go put everything on 27, the man is shocked but does so, and wins again!
And now he's given most of the casino's bank, millions of dollars, walks out shining like a star, and says to the Devil, "I don't know why people say you're the most sinister being there is, you've been awesome to me today!!"
The Devil gives him a weird look, pauses, and replies, "Well that may be true or not... but you are definitely the luckiest motherfucking son of a bitch that I've ever fucking seen!!"
Apprehended
A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration and flipping him a bird and shaking her fist as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
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