My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit) Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed. I thought it was the raping. —————- RIP you magnificent bastard. (Edit: formatting)...

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Two men visit a prostitute

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife is better."...

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My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one....

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I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet! Me: Then how? Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase. The squirrel leapt from the roof, and the cat tried to follow, but fell. We rushed her to the vet and they did all they could, but I am afraid she didn't make it. THAT'S! how you break bad news to someone. Me: I understand, my apologies. Brother: Anyways, how is mom? Me:...

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At a corporate party…

The director of HR stood up and said “If anyone has any comments or anything they’d like to say please come up to the microphone” An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said… “Thank you for your feedback.”...

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A teacher asks little Johnny to say a sentence using the word Fascinate.

Little Johnny: "My sister's boobs are so big, that when she puts on her shirt with ten buttons, she can only fasten eight. "...

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!" Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket. "What are those?" Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving." "Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"...

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