Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.

Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartments. Use your right elbow to hit 3B and I'll buzz you in. When you get inside walk over to the elevator and use your knee to push the UP button. Then use your left elbow to hit 3. I'm the apartment at the end of the hall. Kick the door 3 times and I'll come open it for you."

The son is understandably confused by these detailed instructions. "But Mom, can't I just use my hands for the buzzer and elevator and to knock on the door?" he asks.

She pauses for a minute. Fianlly she says

"Oh, so you're not bringing anything?"

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with beds, one for the women and one for the men.

Amongst the men, there were also 2 gays, which were planning to have sex that night, but also wanted to remain discrete. So the first one proposes to ask for water during the night and if no one answers, the other one will know they are somewhat alone and no one is awake, and so, will come to his bed.

And that’s how they do it. After half an hour of bedtime, the first one asks „Anyone got water, please?“ No answer… „Water, please!“ Nothing… So his friend gets the message and goes to his bed. Then they proceed to have sex as planned.

When the sun rises, the widower comes into the men-salon to wish everybody a good morning. In a corner he notices someone freezing in his bed and asks him what the matter was? The man replies shaking „Somebody must have forgotten, because I didn’t have a blanket last night and I was freezing…“

The widower, feeling ashamed of his servants services asks irritated „I am very sorry to hear this, but why didn’t you say something, one of my servants surely would have given you a warm blanket?“

„Nah, thanks“ replied the man, „someone just asked for water and he was fucked in the ass!“

[Edit: widow changed into widower]

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she can get dressed again.

"There doesn't appear to be anything wrong at the moment, but next time it rains, and you get the same reaction, I want you to come straight in. OK?"

About two weeks later, after two days of steady rain, she's in a fair amount of discomfort and heads to the Dr's office.

The Dr has her stand in front of him and gets her to lift her skirt up. Examining her for a few moments he says, " You're right, it's very inflamed, but I think I see the problem."

He goes to his desk and grabs a pair of surgical scissors and sits back down in front of her. "This won't hurt a bit", he says as the scissors near her crotch.

She's so afraid that she has to look away. After a couple of minutes of cutting he tells her, "OK, you can let your skirt down now. Try a few steps around the office and see if that's made a difference."

Cautiously at first she takes little steps, then her eyes light up and she takes several big strides.

"Oh Dr!", she exclaims joyfully, "That's such a relief, what did you do?!"

"Not much", he said, "I just cut about two inches off the top of your rubber boots."

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.

A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, and says, "hey, sorry, we don't serve jokes here. You're going to have to find someplace else." And the frog starts doing a little bit but the man stops him. "We're gonna have to busk somewhere else Fred," he says to the frog. And they leave.

Then a talking dog walks into the bar and says, "hey give me a drink pal. It's been a rough day." And the bartender gets mad because it's like the third joke to walk into his bar so he says, "look bud, we don't serve jokes here. Get walking before I call the cops." And the dog starts barking but he eventually leaves.

So now the bartender is having a rough day himself, right? First the whole convent, the frog and the piano, then the talking dog? Couldn't be worse right?

Then a chicken walks in. And the bartender sighs. And this chicken struts right up to the bar.

"Can I get a drink?"

And the bartender loses it. "Look asshole, I've told a thousand people today, we don't serve fucking jokes here."

And the chicken says, "take it easy, man, take it easy. If I can't get a drink here where can I get one?"

And the bartender says, "across the fucking road."

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Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

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Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

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Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

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