So there's this poor little Irish family - a father, a mother, a 26-year-old son, a 21-year-old son, and an 18-year-old son.

They live in a tiny little cottage down by the river. They have one cow, and their only source of income is the money they make off of selling the cow's milk. It's the only thing keeping this family alive. So, one day, the father wakes up, and discovers that the cow is dead. Unable to deal with this, he kills himself in the barn. So then the mother wakes up, and discovers that both the cow and her husband are dead. Unable to deal with this, she goes down to the river and drowns herself. So then the 26-year-old son wakes up. He sees that his father...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when...

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What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one....

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A bus full of nuns get killed in a car accident

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St Peter, he says to them, “Sisters welcome to heaven, in a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates but first I must ask each of you a single question”. St Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister have you ever touched a penis”. The sister responds, “There was this one time when the tip of my little finger touched one”. “Alright then Sister dip your little finger in the holy water and you may be admitted”, Peter replied. She did so. Peter turns to the second nun and says,...

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Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it....

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A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: ‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’ ‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: ‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags....

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In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently....

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