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Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 9, 2021

So there's this poor little Irish family - a father, a mother, a 26-year-old son, a 21-year-old son, and an 18-year-old son.

They live in a tiny little cottage down by the river. They have one cow, and their only source of income is the money they make off of selling the cow's milk. It's the only thing keeping this family alive.

So, one day, the father wakes up, and discovers that the cow is dead. Unable to deal with this, he kills himself in the barn.

So then the mother wakes up, and discovers that both the cow and her husband are dead. Unable to deal with this, she goes down to the river and drowns herself.

So then the 26-year-old son wakes up. He sees that his father and the cow are dead, and then he goes down to the river and sees that his mother is dead. So, you know, he's not having a great day so far. But then he meets a lady leprechaun down by the river, and she decides to make him an offer. She tells him, "If you can make love to me 10 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow."

So the 26-year-old considers it, and he thinks, "yeah, I'm young, I can probably do this". So he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails, and then the leprechaun kills him, too.

So then the 21-year-old son wakes up. Cow's dead, father's dead, mother's dead, brother's dead. So, not a great day so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she gives him an offer, too, saying, "If you can make love to me 20 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, and I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion."

And the 21-year-old considers it. Like his brother, he also thinks himself young and capable -- so he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails. And the leprechaun kills him, too.

So then, finally, the 18-year-old son wakes up. Everyone in his family is dead. So, not a great morning so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she also gives him an offer -- "If you can make love to me 40 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion, and I'll grant you one more wish -- and it can be anything you want."

But the 18-year-old son stops and says, "Wait? 40 times in a row? That might not be a good idea. I mean, are you sure you'll even survive that? The cow didn't."

Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 9, 2021

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

A bus full of nuns get killed in a car accident

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St Peter, he says to them, “Sisters welcome to heaven, in a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates but first I must ask each of you a single question”. St Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister have you ever touched a penis”.

The sister responds, “There was this one time when the tip of my little finger touched one”.

“Alright then Sister dip your little finger in the holy water and you may be admitted”, Peter replied. She did so. Peter turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis”.

“Well, there was this one time that I held one for a moment”

“Alright Sister, just wash your hand in the holy water and you may be admitted”. She did so.

At this moment Peter hears a jostling in the line, it seemed as though one nun was trying to cut in in-front of another.

St Peter sees this and asks the nun, “Susan what is this, there is no rush”.

Sister Susan responds, “well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff I better do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it”.

Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.