A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the lives they've lived look at each other nervously awaiting judgement. They know their pasts are not worthy of the heavens, but they don't feel they deserve hell either.

Jesus takes a look at a holy book sitting atop a gleaming marble pedestal. "In this book I see the names of all humans, all I have to do is look up your name and I shall see the life you've lived!"

Flipping through the pages Jesus mumbles to himself as the three sinners wait to hear their fates.

"It seems" Jesus finally speaks, "That none of you deserve to be here. In fact, you have all wasted your days on earth doing nothing but chasing after the lusts and fruits the devil hath provided for you to feast. I'm sorry but you do not belon-"

"WAIT!!!" Screams the sex addict. "Give us one more chance to prove we're worthy!"

"Yeah! We won't let you down again!" Finishes the alcoholic.

Jesus thinks for awhile, pondering what to do. Then at last, he comes up with an idea.

Summoning three rooms behind three doors he leads the sinners to them. "Behind these doors are the tools you have used to sin against God. You will spend one hundred years in these rooms. Once I return, if you have not sinned, you will be welcome into heaven. Do you agree to my terms?!?"

All three nod and agree enthusiastically, happy to gain a second chance.

So, Jesus leads them each to their room to spend the next century.

Upon arriving at the first door, it opens. This room is for the sex addict. It is full of beautiful woman and beds to lay on. Jesus bids him farewell and shuts him in the room.

At the second door upon opening, they see a giant room full of alcohol. Any kind that you could think of as far as the eye could see! Once again, Jesus bids the alcoholic farewell and shuts him in the room.

Finally they reach the third room and open the door. This last door opens up to a field of marijuana. There's plants everywhere and bowls and bongs to pack them in as well.

"Good luck." Jesus says, shutting the pot head into the room.

A hundred years pass and Jesus goes to check on the three sinners. Hoping for the best, but not very confident in them as a hundred years is a long time!

Arriving at the first door he opens it to find the sex addict, lying in a bed surrounded by women. You can see that he has failed, many of them are pregnant.

Just like that, he closes the door, pulls a lever and casts the sinner to hell!

Coming to the second door. He opens it and is blasted by a thick smell of liquor. There's broken bottles everywhere and the alcoholic, clearly as drunk as can be, is lying in a pool of the foul smelling liquid.

Shaking his head, Jesus closes the door and over again, pulls another lever casting the alcoholic to the deepest depths of hell!

Upon arriving to the third door, Jesus is in poor spirits expecting the same to be seen from the pot head. He opens the door and all is still. Looking around, the pot head is nowhere to be seen.

All around him there are bongs and bowls packed full of weed. Mountains of joints and blunts rolled to perfection. But not a single puff has been taken.

Finally Jesus stumbled upon the man, soaked in his own tears, he looks up at Jesus who is clearly surprised and says, "Jesus please! I'm sorry, take me to hell if you must but please, will you PLEASE give me a lighter?!?"

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

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What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and could kill you if it fell out of a tree onto you...

A pool table...

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A new genie.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a ghost, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the ghost. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the ghost asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the ghost said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, ghost?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the ghost and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The ghost was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fun, the ghost looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. ghost smile

Really??

Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in ghosts???😂😂😂

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"Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction?"

Yoda replies: "off course we are"

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A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudly, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I damn well please!"

The most senior flight attendant then approached the Karen, bent down, and whispered in her ear. The Karen jumped up and shouted, "Well why didn't you say so sooner?!" and stormed off to her seat in coach.

Surprised, the first flight attendant asked what was whispered to which the veteran replied, "Oh, I just told her that first class wasn't going to Paris."

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Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.

One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.

Gladys, the innovator she is, takes a condom with the tip cut off and rolls it over her cigarette, so she can keep smoking. Ethyl, completely confounded by this move remarks:

Ethyl: “What is that?! I need one!”

Gladys: “Oh this? Just go to the pharmacist, and tell him you need some condoms.”

So Ethyl decides right then and there she needs to get condoms immediately. She takes a detour on her way home that day and visits the pharmacy. She walks up to the teenager working the counter at the pharmacy and says:

Ethyl: “I’d like a pack of condoms please.”

Teenager: “Ma’am, aren’t you a little bit old to ... you know?”

Ethyl: [taken aback by this] “Excuse me?! I’ve been doing this since I was a teenager!”

Realizing the guy working there had no room to speak, he asks what size she’ll need.

Ethyl: “Oh I need ones that will fit a Camel.”

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