A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony." The three sinners knowing the lives they've lived look at each other nervously awaiting judgement. They know their pasts are not worthy of the heavens, but they don't feel they deserve hell either. Jesus takes a look at a holy book sitting atop a gleaming marble pedestal. "In this book I...

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses...

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What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and could kill you if it fell out of a tree onto you...

A pool table......

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A new genie.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near...

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"Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction?"

Yoda replies: "off course we are"...

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A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please." The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudly, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I damn well please!" The most senior flight attendant then approached the Karen, bent down, and whispered in her ear. The Karen jumped up and shouted, "Well why didn't you say so sooner?!" and stormed off to...

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Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments. One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas. Gladys, the innovator she is, takes a condom with the tip cut off and rolls it over her cigarette, so she can keep smoking. Ethyl, completely confounded by this move remarks: Ethyl: “What is that?! I need one!” Gladys: “Oh this? Just go to the pharmacist, and tell him you need some condoms.” So Ethyl...

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