My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

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My wife says if this post gets 1000 upvotes I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how may we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!" *Hangs up

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I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

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Woke up, pissed, and went back to the bedroom to find my wife unresponsive in the bed. I couldn't find a pulse...

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Five minutes in she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named Cakeday?"

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

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Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

The mechanical engineer says: “It’s a broken starter”

The electrical engineer says: “Dead battery”

The chemical engineer says: “Impurities in the gasoline”

The IT engineer says: “Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in”

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