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Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 2, 2019

Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.

The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.

The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off.

Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him.

After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.

They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”

I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”

He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Knock Knock

"Who is there?"

"Grandma!"

"Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"