It was an apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 4, 2018
Teacher at parents meeting :
-Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!
The mother angrily :
-I can't believe it. I wonder where he found it from ??
-He said he got it from his best friend.
The father, wiping a happy tear :
-He really said that ... ?
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Two women were playing golf
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.
He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.
St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.
The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.
St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!"
That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion.
I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery
Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.
The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.
The second girl squats down near a grave Stone and starts to pee. She also realizes she has nothing to wipe with. She saw her friend use her panties but she thinks to herself, "I'm not using my panties, these are expensive! Victoria's Secret is nothing to throw away." So she grabs a ribbon off the near by grave and whipes herself.
The next morning the husband's of the girls call each other. The first girls husband says, "Man my wife came home with no panties on and can't remember anything. I'm divorcing her." The second husband says, "That's nothing man, my wife came home with a ribbon stuck to her ass saying [We will never forget you!] signed by Juan, Carlos, Pepe, Jeremy, and the whole National Guard!"
[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.
"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.
"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"
When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds a big bag of sugar. She takes it upstairs, whips off her clothes and sprinkles a little sugar over her private parts.
She really wants Thomas to go for it, so thinking, "what the hell", she crams a load into her vagina as well!
That night, for the first time since they were married, Thomas finally let loose and gave Mary the incredible oral session she was after.
It just goes to show, a poon full of sugar helps Tom Edison go down.
Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 4, 2018
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
A general store owner hires a young attractive female clerk......
.....who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," says the old man "....... But its startin' to twitch."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Evans
I am not sure what she is doing inside, but this gives me a lot of time to jerk off to Chris Evans
A Priest with a golf addiction...
awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"
God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"
Incels Categorize Women By Personal Style And Attractiveness
Incels Categorize Women By Personal Style And Attractiveness
There are "Stacys" and there are "Beckys."
April 29, 2018 at 03:46AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2jfxmep
There was this engineer who died and went to Hell.
He disliked Hell, so pretty soon he went to work improving it. He installed air conditioning, elevators, bathroom air fresheners, escalators, and all sorts of gadgetry. One day God calls Satan:
"So, how are things down there?" asks God.
"Great!" Satan replies, "we now have air conditioners, elevators, escalators and bathroom air fresheners thanks to the engineer we received."
"You have an engineer? Look man, there's been some sort of mistake. Engineers aren't supposed to be in Hell, so I'd appreciate if you could send him to me" says God.
"No way, we love having an engineer on our team. Who knows what he'll come up with next?" says Satan.
"If you don't send him up here right this minute, I'm taking you to court!" says God, visibly annoyed.
Satan replies, "Oh yeah, and where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...
"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises.
The grandfather asks "What the hell happened to you?"
The grandson says "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender -- but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"
The grandfather asks "Well who the hell did you go with boy?"
The grandson says "My friends from school, who did you go with?"
The grandfather says "Well... the 2nd SS Panzer Division"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket ...
... where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."
A blonde walked into a gas station...
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 4, 2018
If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...
Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed, '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.' The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing...'
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
A Chinaman and a Jew were drinking in a bar
when all of a sudden the Jew knocks the Chinaman out of his barstool
Chinaman: “What’s that for?!!”
Jew: “That’s for Pearl Harbor!!”
Chinaman: “That wasn’t us, that was the Japanese!” To which the Jew replies, “Chinese, Japanese, Siamese. they’re all the same!”
They put the instance aside and continue drinking.
A little while passes and the Chinaman out of nowhere gives the Jew a mean left hook knocking him on his ass.
Jew: “What in hell is that for?!!”
Chinaman: “That’s for the Titanic!!”
Jew: “That wasn’t the Jews that was an iceberg!!” without missing a beat the Chinaman replies, “Iceberg, Steinberg, Goldberg it’s all the same thing.”
A man is stranded on an island
A plane flying nearby see's his smoke signal and goes to his aid. Upon landing the pilot see's three huts.
"Thank you for saving me! I've been here longer than I can remember. " The man says.
"Where are the other survivors?" The pilot asks.
"It's just me, myself and I" says the man.
"So why are there three huts?" Asks the pilot.
"Well that small one is my home." The man replies.
"What about that big one?" Says the pilot.
"Thats my church." He responds. "I'm a man of great faith".
"Okay, and what's the third hut for?" The pilot wonders aloud.
"Oh that's my old church, but I don't go there anymore, the pastor's a lunatic".
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 4, 2018
How do you find out the gender of a cat?
Easy. You kick it in the ass.
If she runs away, it's a girl. But if he runs away, it's a boy.
A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.
"Um, we dont serve beer".
Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"
"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".
"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.
"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.
Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.
"My breasts are too small", she lamented.
Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Skeptical, but willing to try anything, she retrieved a few sheets of toilet paper from the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of several years", her husband replied. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts 3 times every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without looking up from his book he said, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:
Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!
I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.
A man visits an old tavern
and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.
The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"
The artist responds, "it is. I have dedicated my life to appreciating the bosom of a woman."
Jokingly, the man says, "I too appreciate the finer tits in life!"
The artist leans close and whispers, "then I have a secret to share with you. Every night, the barkeeper's wife waits in bed upstairs with the lights off, waiting for the barkeeper to come in and fuck her. She has the most fantastic set of tits you'll ever see. So, if you wait for the bar to get really busy, you can sneak upstairs and get in bed with her, and she'll be never the wiser."
The man laughs off such a ridiculous story and goes to sit down. However, the idea tantalizes him, and after an hour the bar starts to get really busy and the barkeeper is run off his feet.
Out of curiosity (and a little help from booze), the man gets up and sneaks up the staircase in the corner. Upstairs he finds a closed door. He turns the handle and peers inside. The room is dark but he can make out a bed with a figure lying in it.
Heart pounding, he goes in, closes the door behind him, crawls into bed, and snuggles up to the woman. She immediately moans softly, and so his puts his arm around her to find a huge pair of bare breasts. He immediately notices they're fake, but he doesn't care. The woman warms up to him quickly and they start making out. Before long, she unzips his pants, and gives him the best blowjob he's ever had.
After finishing, the man feels extremely guilty and admits to the woman, "I must confess. I am not your husband, I'm so sorry".
The woman says "It's OK. I have a confession too. I'm the bust scriber!"
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 4, 2018
A man visits Harvard
Visitor in Harvard Square: "Excuse me, where's the library at?"
Harvard student: "Sir, this is Harvard. We don't end our sentences with prepositions."
Visitor: "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub.
The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
"May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not? " the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?"
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........
One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.
The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”
25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.
“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eggs, but when they hatched we only got 8 chicks.”
“And what was the moral of that story,” asked the teacher.
“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!”
“Very good!” She responded, “who else would like to share their story?”
This time she called on a girl in the front of the room.
“We raise chickens too, but we raise them for their eggs,” said the girl. “One time we put our eggs in a basket in the back of our truck to take them to market, but on the way we hit a bump and the basket flew out and all the eggs broke.”
“What was the moral there?”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Excellent,” said the teacher. “We have time for one more story- who would like to share?” This time she called on a boy in the back of the room. “Ok, Johnny- tell us your story.”
“My dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in Desert Storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a bottle of whiskey, a machete, and a machine gun. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t go to waste and when she crash landed there were 100 enemy soldier waiting for her. So she killed 80 with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete till the blade broke off, then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.”
The teacher is absolutely appalled, but trying to maintain her composure she chokes out, “and w-what did your father tell you was the moral to that story?”
“To stay the hell away from my aunt Becky when she’s been drinking!”
A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist
A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."
The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"
So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says "That's absolutely wonderful, what's it called?"
John replies "Oh it's one of my songs, I call it 'Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead'."
The manager, shocked, stammers "Oh, right... urr, do you have any more?"
The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music.
The manager says "Incredible! What do you call this one?"
John replies "Oh, I call that one 'I'm going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon'."
The manager says to him "Ok, look, you're hired. I can't let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won't do in an establishment like this."
So John agrees and starts work that night.
A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant is incredible, people are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners "OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I'm going to take a short break and I'll resume my playing for you shortly," and goes off to take a small comfort break.
As he's returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims "John! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!"
John replies "Know it?! I fucking wrote it!"
Two nuns.....
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 4, 2018
Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.
St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"
Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"
St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs a car in heaven to get around. Only you'll be receiving a beat up old Ford Pinto "
Meanwhile the man sees a couple of his old friends receiving their cars.
The first guy had one minor affair during a rough patch in his marriage and was given a nice Toyota Camry. The second guy is granted a brand new Lamborghini for never even thinking about another woman other than his wife.
All of a sudden, inside heaven, the man with the Ford Pinto starts crying. Concerned, his two friends check on him to ask him why he's so sad.
He points to his wife who is riding around on a pair of roller skates.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.
Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"
My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."
She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs..”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.
A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
German soldiers are chasing two partisans
And the two partisans hide in the water well.
The German soldiers approach the well and one soldier looks down in the well and says "I can't see anything"...the echo comes back "I can't see anything".
Then the second German soldier looks down in the well and says "Maybe they hide in the woods"...the echo comes back "Maybe they hide in the woods".
The third German looks down in the well and says "I'll throw a grenade in there"...the echo comes back "Maybe they hide in the woods"
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 4, 2018
Easily my favorite joke of all time: Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
The Irish Square testicals
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '
Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.
3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. Some time goes by and the other 2 start to wonder why he's taking so long. They start looking for him in the woods, and lo and behold, he is found sitting with his pants around his ankles on a log, his bare ass hanging off the side, totally passed out from drinking so much. Rather than wake their friend, they decided to play a joke on him. They left, and returned with a bucket of the guts from the buck they shot. They dump the guts under their friend's bare ass and leave.
The next morning, they awake to their friend walking stiffly out of the woods. They snicker and ask what happened to him, and if he had a good shit. He responds:"Well, I passed out mid-shit, and when I woke up I realized I had shit all of my guts out. But by the grace of god and the help of a big stick, I got i all back in!"
Michael Cohen case shines light on Sean Hannity's real estate empire
Michael Cohen case shines light on Sean Hannity's real estate empire
Hannity bought homes that were foreclosed on despite criticizing the foreclosure rate under Barack Obama.
April 23, 2018 at 07:02PM
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Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"
My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!
A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.
"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?"
The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, "361." The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her.
"Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?"
My sister was not amused.
Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 4, 2018
“Onestone”
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And the important moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone
An atheist was taking a walk...
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
A Shark and his Son
A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers. The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".
The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"
The son asks, " why do we swim around them three times first."
The father retorts "Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them"
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight. I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
How To Ask for A Raise
EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, sir, may I talk with you?
BOSS: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
EMPLOYEE: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over 10 years.
BOSS: Yes...
EMPLOYEE: I won’t beat around the bush, sir. I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
BOSS: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
EMPLOYEE: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales. However, you should also take into consideration my hard work, attention to detail, and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
BOSS: Well, I don't want us to lose a great employee. How about I offer you a 10% raise and an extra five days of vacation time? How does that sound?
EMPLOYEE: Great!! It’s a deal. Thank you, sir!
BOSS: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
EMPLOYEE: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the Water Company, and the Mortgage Company.
The Soviet Army is marching in Finland...
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers!" The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers!" The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and says to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers!"
Naked Gunman Kills 4 at Waffle House in Nashville, Police Say
Naked Gunman Kills 4 at Waffle House in Nashville, Police Say
The police said two others were wounded in the shooting, during which a patron wrestled away the gunman's rifle. The suspect remained at large.
April 22, 2018 at 10:53PM
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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.
He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.
"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"
Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.
"Ta Mac", says Dave as he brushes himself off.
POOF without warning, the genie transforms Dave into a slab of tarmac.
"What the fuck have you done to me", shouts Dave, as the genie bursts with laughter and faces Mac, who looks terrified.
"Bwa-ha-ha, you're scared and stricken", laughs the genie, "perhaps you're just a puny chicken?"
POOF the genie transforms Mac into a chicken.
The Genie laughs again and decides to give them a chance, "On the count of three, if you both agree, then after a year I'll let you free."
"But if one of you chooses to dismiss, then forever the other will remain like this."
Dave turns to Mac and says, "We've been best friends forever, there's no way I'd say no!"
Mac turns to Dave and says, "Agreed, there's no way I could let you endure such a terrible fate."
The genie counts down...
Three
Two
One
They look at each other, nod, and together they say, "I agree"...
Except Mac didn't... He didn't agree at all and Dave was left lying on the floor, a solid piece of tarmac for the rest of eternity.
You see, Dave had slept with Mac's wife behind his back, but Mac knew about it all along and had been waiting for the perfect opportunity for payback.
That, my friends, is why the chicken crossed the road.
Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 4, 2018
An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
An Arab boy is speaking with his father.
“Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?”
“To keep the harsh sun off our scalp” He answers.
“What about these long robes father?”
“To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand.” Father says patiently.
“And our sandals?”
“To shield our feet from the searing rocks of course.”
“Then why the fuck do we live in England, father?”
North Korea Stops Short Of Suggesting Any Intention Of Giving Up Nuclear Arsenal
North Korea Stops Short Of Suggesting Any Intention Of Giving Up Nuclear Arsenal
North Korea announced that it will suspend nuclear tests and intercontinental ballistic missile launches ahead of its summits with Seoul and Washington, but stopped short of suggesting it has any intention of giving up its hard-won nuclear arsenal.
April 21, 2018 at 09:02PM
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An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.
He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..
Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"
Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 4, 2018
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time, before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning...YOU DON’T!!!"
25 inch penis
A man with a 25 inch cock goes to the witch in the woods with hopes she can make it smaller.
the witch says to go further and find the magick talking frog. when you do, ask him if he will marry you. when he says no your dick shrinks 5 inches.
the man finds the frog and asks "will you marry me?"
the frog goes "no."
and like magic, his dick shrunk 5 inches!
still too big he decides to ask again "would you marry me?"
the frog says "No!"
now at 15 inches he think 10 would be perfect and decides to ask one last time. "will you marry me?"
the frog, now mad, says "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"
ICE Raided An Upstate New York Farm Without A Warrant — Here's What You Should Know
ICE Raided An Upstate New York Farm Without A Warrant — Here's What You Should Know
When property owner John Collins asked to see a warrant, the officers refused his request and continued their raid in a violent manner.
April 21, 2018 at 01:08AM
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Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.
"$3", says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.
The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".
The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."
A frog
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."
A woman on a train is refusing to let a tired soldier sit down
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.
The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.
Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 4, 2018
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...
Starbucks job interview
"What's your name?".
"Alyssa".
"Could you spell that please?".
"L A R I S S A".
"When can you start?".
Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
Palantir Knows Everything About You
Palantir Knows Everything About You
Peter Thiel's data-mining company is using War on Terror tools to track American citizens. The scary thing? Palantir is desperate for new customers.
April 19, 2018 at 07:32PM
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Welder joke
A welder sees an ad for help and a metals shop. $18-$25 per hour. He goes in and asks about the job. They give him some metal to weld and tells him to bring it back when he's done. The welder brings back two welds. The first one is beautiful. Pristine beads, straight as an arrow. The shop owner complements him on such fine work. The second weld is sloppy and unappealing. The shop owner asks "what's up with the difference in welds?" The welder says, "the first one is $25 an hour and the second one is $18".
Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?
Ans: Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 4, 2018
The Spanish assassin
There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.
One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean, leave no trace. And since I'm a big fan of your legend, I'd like to be there when you assassinate the target". The assassin agrees.
With carefully planned tactics, the assassin infiltrates the rival gang on the pretence of capturing the mob leader. Finally, in the room with the mob leader and the rival leader, the assassin aims his pistol at the target and counts.
*uno*
*dos*
*BANG*
The rival drops dead.
"But I thought you count to three", said the mob leader. "Sí" replied the assassin. "But you said leave no tres".
EDIT: Formatting
I bumped into an old school friend today
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man gets pulled over by the police...
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A union worker goes to a brothel...
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."
The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 4, 2018
I was sitting on a train yesterday and saw this stunningly beautiful Thai girl.
I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, Please don’t get an erection”. But she did.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)
A sadist, a murderer, a necrophile
In a mental institution...
A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asks the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouts the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again," says the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it," says the pyromaniac.
Silence took over, and then the masochist says:
"Meow."
Thứ Ba, 17 tháng 4, 2018
A man steps into a bar
A man steps into a bar and orders a beer. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The Bartender responds "Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same."
After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves. The next day the man comes to the bar again. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The bartender chuckles "My suggestion didn't work, did it?"
The man responds "n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."
A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
My Son is such a c**t...
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats
A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."
"You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've been no help."
"You must be a Republican."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You've risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
My Month As A Member of the ‘Wild Wild Country’ Sex Cult
My Month As A Member of the ‘Wild Wild Country’ Sex Cult
The reason I ended up on an ashram fours days after I arrived in Australia not knowing a soul was, of course, due to a boy.
April 16, 2018 at 07:33PM
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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
Old Soviet joke.
Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Reagan won.
Next day US newspapers: “Reagan won. Gorgachev lost”.
Soviet newspapers: “Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last”.
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone
She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”
Thứ Hai, 16 tháng 4, 2018
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....
A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her...
... At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."
An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.
“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”
He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.
“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”
“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”
A pregnant woman is hit by a private car....!
She is sent into a coma for 2 years. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
The Ending Of Celtics/Bucks Game 1 Was Nuts
The Ending Of Celtics/Bucks Game 1 Was Nuts
March Madness is over, but the basketball action is just heating up.
April 16, 2018 at 03:48AM
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A man decides to go a whore house..
But to his surprise a nun open a door. He tries to apologise, trying to come up with an excuse. The nun, seeing right through him says : 'This is the right place. If you want to get fucked by the Sisters of Eternal Bliss, you have come to the right place'. The man walk in, a bit surprised and also a bit skeptical . As the nun leads him through an extravagant corridor, she goes on to explain the working of the establishment. She shows him a door and explains that each door leads to a room and another. 'Every room has a nun who will pleasure you in one way in increasing order of pleasure'. She warns him, however, that these services don't come cheap but he is free to stop after any room and leave if it was expensive or if he can't handle it. This was an unusual way to do things, the man thought, but out of sheer curiosity he decided to pay 5$ and entered the first room.
As soon as he entered the first room, a nun waiting for him started to disrobe. She was the prettiest woman he had ever seen. But as he approached her, she stopped him. 'Only looking, if you want to more, you will have to the next room...that will be 50$'. That was asking a lot, the man thought, but if the next is even half as pretty as this nun, it would be worth it. He pays and enters the next room.
As soon as he entered the room, a nun waiting for him started to disrobe. To his amazement, she is even more stunning with a perfect body. He touches her and fondles her breast to his hearts content, but when he starts to undress, she stops him saying : 'Only touching, if you want to more, you will have to the next room...that will be 500$'. At this point, the man is all fired up and pays without hesitation.
As soon as he entered the room, a nun waiting for him started to disrobe. He couldn't believe that was possible, but the woman was even more beautiful than the previous. She walks up to him, put her arms around his shoulder and give him the most sensual kiss he has ever had. She then tells him 'Only kissing, if you want to more, you will have to the next room...that will be 5000$' The man remembered the advice he got not too long ago. 5000$ was a lot, but his xperience so far was unlike anything he ever experienced. He pays and enters the third room.
He expected to see a nun, except to his utter dismay he was outside back on the street. Confused and bewildered he turns around to try and renter, only to find a note stuck on the door :
"CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST GOT FUCKED BY THE SISTERS OF ETERNAL BILSS"
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work... The ass hole is usually in charge.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
A quantum particle walks into two bars.
In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.
In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.
The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks
" hey, so what did you do last night?"
the particle, bruised and beaten shouts "DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"
A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident
He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim. "Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?" "Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to town..." "Sir, please answer the question. Did you or did you not say you were fine?" "Well now, you have to understand, I was driving my mule..." "Sir! Stop avoiding the question. Remember, you are under oath! Did you not tell the officer you were fine?" The farmer turn to the judge and says, "Your honor, I am trying to answer the nice man's question, but he wont let me." The judge says "I'll allow it, but it better be relevant." The farmer thanks him and begin, "Well, you see, I was driving my truck to town, with my trailer hitched to the back and my mule in the trailer. As we cross an intersection, this big truck blows past the stop sign and smashes into us. The truck splits in two, I'm thrown into one ditch on the side of the road, the mule is thrown into the other, and the truck just keeps going." "Now I'm in bad shape. My arm is broke, my leg is broke, half my ribs are broke. But my mule is in worse shape, from what I can hear. She's screaming and thrashing and making a pitiful racket." "I hear tires come to a stop on the gravel, a door close and footsteps crunching across the road to the other ditch. I hear the mule screaming for a minute more and then a shot rang out, and it went quiet. The footsteps then start to come my way. I look up to see a state trooper putting his gun back in his holster." "He says to me, sir, I am terribly sorry. Your mule was gravely injured, she was in terrible pain, and I had no choice but to put her down. ... How are you?"
Chủ Nhật, 15 tháng 4, 2018
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning.
The instructions say " remove cap and push up bottom ".
I can't walk very well at the moment, but every time I fart, the room smells incredible.
Some Said They'd Flee Trump's America. These People Actually Did.
Some Said They'd Flee Trump's America. These People Actually Did.
Like modern-day von Trapps, minus the singing, families are climbing mountains and fording streams with nothing but backpacks and a Wi-Fi connection.
April 14, 2018 at 11:44PM
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
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