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Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 4, 2016

I have a vegan girlfriend...

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

A sadist walks up to a masochist...

The masochist says "hurt me".

The sadist says "no".

So the American people's choices for President of the United States will most likely be Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton.

That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"

Alas, swine flu.

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

An elderly couple Margaret and Bert live in Arkansas.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

‘Nope’ she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.

To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”