A husband and wife go to counseling after 30 years of marriage

After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

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A monkey claims that he has the best weed in the world.

A lizard notices a monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. He calls up, "Hey, monkey! What are you doing?"

"I'm smoking the best weed in the world," replies the monkey.

"I doubt it," says the lizard. The monkey invites him to the top of the tree to try it. The lizard takes a few puffs and concedes that it really is amazing weed! After a few more puffs he gets very thirsty. He tells the monkey that he'll be back after a quick drink and stumbles off to the river.

At the river he is so stoned and uncoordinated that he falls in. An alligator sees him and pushes him back onto shore with his nose. He then asks, "What is wrong with you?"

The lizard tells him, "Oh, the monkey up in that tall tree has the best weed in the world."

The gator goes to the tall tree to see for himself. "Hey, monkey!" he calls. The monkey opens his eyes wide and says, "How much water did you drink, man?"

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A guy walking into a bar

 sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.

“Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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Yesterday while working I saw a gigantic funeral precession...

There were two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog, followed by hundreds of men.

I take a break from work and say to the man walking the dog " excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but do you mind telling me what happened?"

The man replies: "A couple of weeks ago I bought this dog for my wife. Last week it turned on her and killed her. During the attack my mother in law tried to pull the dog off of her daughter and ended up dying as well"

I say : " sir can I borrow you dog?"

He replies : "Get in line "

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

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An 85 year old man had to go to the doctor for a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

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Electing Trump would really strengthen our dollar

Sincerely, Canada

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