The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"
"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised
"Because it's holding me back!"
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 7, 2016
The meaning of life....
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
First Day On The Job
Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.
"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."
"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.
"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."
"Do you have a punch line?"
"Nope."
Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 7, 2016
There's a boy named Bonnie...
There's a boy named Bonnie.
He's made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he's become very shy.
But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.
She says yes, and he's so happy.
After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him.
She says yes, and he's so happy.
When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be with her.
The wife names the baby "Love".
Love grows up and now she starts to be made fun of because of her weird name.
She comes home from school one day screaming at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
He takes blame, wanting to protect his wife, and apologizes.
Love says he ruined her life.
She shoots him and runs away.
Finally the wife comes home, sees Bonnie lying on the ground, screams and runs to him.
"Bonnie! What happened?!"
He becons her to come closer, and he whispers in her ear: "Shot through the heart. And you're to blame. Darling you gave Love a bad name."
Money makes every thing...
A girl missed her period 2 months ago,her mom took her to the clinic for pregnancy test of which it was positive.Embarrased, her mom said; who is the pig that got you pregnant? The girl picked up her phone and made a call, an hour later,a young handsome man drove in Ferrari to the girl's house. Good evening, the man greeted. Your daughter told me the problem in the house. I can't marry for now because of my family issue, but I promise I will take care of her for the rest of her life, and if she gives birth to a girl,I promised to buy her a mansion, 2 jeeps and 1 million dollars. If it's a boy, I'll buy her houses in a country side, 5 jeeps, 2 big factories and 5million dollars in her account. If it's twins, I'll do anything... she asked. But if there's miscarriage, what do you suggest i do? The girls father silently tap the young man on his shoulder and said; my son, if there is miscarriage, you'll sleep with her again.......
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