And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.

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If your coffee tastes like mud...

It's probably fresh ground...

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For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

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Saw a guy about to jump off a bridge

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said: "Yes."

I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off ;)

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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

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I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.

"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.

I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:

"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."

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