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Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 10, 2016

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."

The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

A frog walks into a bank.

The frog hops up on the counter of the nearest available teller and says "I want a loan."

Confused, the teller asks for the frog's name.

"My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Rolling Stone's legend Mick Jagger, and I want a loan" he says. "And what is YOUR name?"

"My name is Patricia. Patricia Whack" replied the teller. "I'm afraid we don't normally give loans to frogs, sir"

"Look" said the frog. "I'm Kermit T. Jagger. My father is Rolling Stones legend Mick Jagger. I want a goddamn loan. Understand me? Here. I even brought collateral."

After a bit of dry heaving, flying out of the frog's mouth comes a tiny ceramic figurine.

Stunned, and unsure as to what to do, the tellers picks up the slimy statue and makes her way to the bank manager's office.

"Sir, I have a...frog at my counter. He says he's Kermit T. Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and he wants a loan. He even gave me some 'collateral' in the form of this little...thing?"

The bank manager smiles.

"Relax" he says. "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 10, 2016

I have a horse named mayo...

Mayo neighs.

Which horse runs the city?

The mare, of course

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

Donald Trump visits an elementary school...

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."