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Thứ Sáu, 9 tháng 12, 2016

Man in hospital

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

Thứ Năm, 8 tháng 12, 2016

An irishman is at a bar

He goes to get up and falls flat on his face

" paddy, you've had enough to drink, go home" the bartender tells him

" I'm Irish, i can hold my booze, but i think its time for me to leave !" He goes to stand up again and falls flat on his face.

" look, you live right next door, let me help you home" The bartender says.

" I dont need any help from you!" He pulls himself up and takes a step, wham! Flat on his face again.

" come on paddy, let me at least call the missus"..

" get away from me"

He drags himself home, crawls to the couch and falls asleep. He wakes up in the morning with his wife angrily looking at him

" you got drunk again last night?"

" no, why accuse me of such stuff"

" the bar called, you left your wheelchair there"

Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fridge, "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

Italian math

An Italian wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9’.

'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '

Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says: 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.