Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

Read More

The geography of men and women.

The geography of a woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

The geography of a man:

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

(I hope I didn't offend anyone from any particular country. Just a simple joke. Peace!)

Read More

Today, I played God.

I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...

Read More

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are completely out of vanilla. I don't have anymore.'

The man lets out a sigh and says 'ok ok fine I'll just take a cone of vanilla.'

The clerk gives him a blank stare for a moment and says 'sir spell the straw in strawberry'

'S-T-R-A-W'

'Spell the choc in chocolate'

'C-H-O-C'

'Ok now spell the fuck in vanilla'

'But there's no fuck in vanilla'

'THATS WHAT IM TRYING TO TELL YOU'

Read More

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Read More

This is one smart-looking Edition.

This is one smart-looking Edition.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

December 17, 2016 at 09:06PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2hL5EnT

Read More

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

Read More