A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?

Husband: The gold one of course!

Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, wa-zaam! he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a daunting task, but after working out for two-and-a-half hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a phD in physics, wa-zaam! he was a yellow fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Looking at himself in the mirror once again, he said, "I need to become a green fruit loop." It was certainly a daunting task. But green fruit loops lived a lavish life, with multiple cars and big houses. Simply put, he couldn't pass up the opportunity. But their was a risk: humans loved green fruit loops. Accepting the risk, he worked three hours a day, with five-gram weights, and became a famous musician. Wa-zaam! He was now a green fruit loop. But somehow, despite his now-lavish lifestyle, he was still hungry.

So, looking at himself in the mirror one day, he said, "I need to become a blue fruit loop." Yes, that's right, a blue fruit loop: the highest honor in all the lands. It took hard, hard work, and was a very daunting task indeed. And there was a risk: humans love, love blue fruit loops. But he was on a mission, and was committed on becoming a blue fruit loop, whatever it would take. He worked out six-hours a day, with ten-gram weights. He studied law and decided to run for president. He was a poet, an artist, a musician, a scientist, and a scholar. He even read some old Reddit post about the steps needed to become a monk and took seven years becoming that, too. And on Election Day, wa-zaam! he won the presidency, and became a blue fruit loop. He now had the best lifestyle achievable. He had was admired throughout the lands, was the president U.S.F.L. (United States of Fruit Loops), and had a beautiful family. So one day, he decided to celebrate with his family, and take his sons, Jake and Jim (two red fruit loops) to an amusement park. They had a blast. They tried all the games, slid down all the slides, and went on all the roller-coasters. But it was a hot day, and at the end of all the fun, Jake and Jim were both exhausted and dehydrated. "Can we go get some water, Dad?" they asked their blue-fruit-loop-father. "Sure, go ahead" their blue-fruit-loop-father replied. A few minutes later, Jake and Jim came back, with no water. "The water line is really long" they said. "Can we go get some lemonade?" "Sure," their father replied. But again they returned, with no lemonade. "The lemonade line is really long too!" they exclaimed. "Can we go get some fruit punch?" "Sure." their father replied. But at that very instant, a big fan of their father pulled him aside. "You know, you are the only fruit loop to ever achieve blue status." the fan said, shaking with excitement. "What's your secret to success?"

But at that very instant, his sons returned, both with gleaming smiles and fruit punches. "Great news!" they told their father. "There is no punch line."

Note: I heard this joke from a friend three years ago. Not sure if it's ever gone around Reddit, but I wouldn't be surprised.

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Bilbo wakes up suddenly to Don't Stop Believing.

It was an unexpected Journey.

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Two great white sharks...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

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A woman playing golf......

......hit a man nearby.

The man put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and started rolling around in pain.

The woman rushed to him and offered to relieve his pain, since she was a doctor.

She gently took his hands away, unzipped his pants and put her hands inside. She then massaged him tenderly for a few minutes and asked, "How does it feel?"

The man replied, "Feels good, but I think my thumb is still broken!"

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People who know me say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

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