My wife said, "If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?"

I said, "Your husband."

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My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...

So I just packed my bags and right...

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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

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How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb?

14,000.

1 to hold the lightbulb, 4 to hold the chair, and 13,995 to spin the house.

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I found out my date likes to dissect people from Southeast Asia.

I've since decided to cut Thais with her.

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What's yellow and can't swim

A bus full of children

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All Lives Matter

...until you multiply them by the speed of light squared.

Then all lives energy.

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