A female gorilla is alone in a cage at a zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks:

"Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?"

The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions.

"First!" He says, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?"

"Yes." Says the zookeeper.

"Second!" The janitor says, "I don't want anyone to know about this!"

"Alright" says the zookeeper, "And what's the third condition?"

"I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars."

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- Doctor, I want to live very old

• Do you drink?
  
• Never, only water.
  
• You smoke?
  
• Oh no, my body is a temple
  
• Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
  
• Never, I'm single and abstinent.
  
• I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

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Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs

When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month.

The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"

The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison..."

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Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism?

He got repossessed.

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What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

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Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

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2040s kids won't get this

Winter.

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