Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

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What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

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I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

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Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?' Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!' 'Correct Claire' The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?' Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!' 'Correct again Claire' And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question 'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?' Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out 'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'

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Plateaus are...

...the highest form of geographical flattery.

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An English WW2 pilot was...

...talking in the school about his war experience. "So I'm flying over German land in my plane. I was alone. Out of the blue, a fokker flanks me on the right. Then, I found a fokker on my left wing too. I was panicking, when suddenly 2 more fokkers appeared and surrounded me..."

By now, the children are giggling, so an embaressed teacher intervenes, "Actually, fokker is the name of a German airplane."

"Yeah", interjected the pilot, "But these fokkers were flying in Dorniers."

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You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

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