If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

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If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

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I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

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3.14% of sailors...

are πrates.

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My first time having sex was alot like my first football game

It was painful, it was tiring

But at least my dad came

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Pope suggests 'better to be atheist than hypocritical Catholic'

Pope suggests 'better to be atheist than hypocritical Catholic'
He said that some of these people should also say "'my life is not Christian, I don't pay my employees proper salaries, I exploit people, I do dirty business, I launder money, (I lead) a double life'."

February 23, 2017 at 09:33PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2luiA5l

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I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through"

A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"?

I said "No, that's my fucking Pizza"

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